loose string

"One-way streets and square one, The answers don't come from any one direction"

 

I hesitate to jinx it, but I appear to be pulling up out of this latest funk.  Maybe it is the sunshiney day, maybe it is the support of a good friend, I am not sure but I will certainly not look this particular gift horse in the mouth.  

 

posted by: loosestring at 12:21 | link | comments (2) |

Sunshine, blue skies, please go away

The secret is learning how to wade through all of the bad and find a little patch of dry happy space to rest upon.  To wait it out and to know that it will pass.  This wave of bad feeling.  I am feeling a bit better but still disappointed because the pills don't work and now I am broken again and I have to maybe take some new shiny pills full of promise and no  more cloudy days.  Actually I can handle cloudy, it's the eclipses that do me in.

posted by: loosestring at 12:13 | link | comments |

Leave Me The Way You Found Me

I am in the middle of an unwieldy number of life changes.  I am moving, ending a relationship and beginning a new one.  I have taken my crazy to the doctor's for care.  I am processing a lifetime of shame and feelings of inadequacy.  Dredging all of the bits buried in the silt, far far down and pushed away.  It feels good and it feels bad all at the same time.  It makes me scared and anxious and tired.  In fact, a prolonged nap might be in order but that is not going to happen any time soon.  Too much going on to take the time out.

posted by: loosestring at 10:43 | link | comments |

The Chirping of 1000 Crickets

I am afraid to admit that the noise in my head is getting louder.  Not all the time, but when it comes it wails.  Today sounded a lot like the crescendo that closes "You Can't Always Get What You Want".  It feels scary.  I keep thinking that if I explain how bad it is that it will mean I am really crazy. 

Some of the compulsions to self-harm are back.  Not the hands on a hot stove, just the pins in my wrists.  I know I won't do it but sometimes it seems like such a reasonable thing to do before I realize how unreasonable it is.  I also came up with a suicide plan with just the right amount of drama and a minimal amount of mess.  There is no real call to use the plan, it is just comforting to know that there is a plan.  One less thing to think about.

Have no fear, there are a number of mental health professionals on the job.

posted by: loosestring at 23:25 | link | comments (1) |

So, then things got a little worse for awhile, as they sometimes need to do before they get better.

 

posted by: loosestring at 13:50 | link | comments |