"One-way streets and square one, The answers don't come from any one direction"
I live in Chicago with my boyfriend T and our mini-menagerie of 3 cats and 2 dogs. I have very little of world-changing importance to contribute but I like to see my words in print so I blog.
Apropos of Nothing
Awesome
City Wendy in the Windy City
Cruel Irony
Desperate Common Law Wives
Dooce
Eat A Peach for Love
EJShea
Finslippy
Fussy
Go Fug Yourself
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In My Life
Jen and Tonic
Jen Fu
Loobylu
Matilda Zine
Mighty Girl
Mihow
Mimi Smartypants
Not Well Planned
Pesky Apostrophe
Pound
Pretty Crabby
Que Sera Sera
Scott Bateman
Sheets and Blankets
Sparkwood & 21
Styrofoam Kitty
Suburban Bliss
Sweetney
The Anchored Nomad
The MidwestGrrl
The Redhead Papers
Things I Am Over
TranceJen
Very Zen
Weetabix
today
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Well, hmmm. I didn't mean to be gone this long. I have opened the browser more than once over the last couple of weeks and there just were no words. Or at least no words that I felt like typing. The effort. You know. But now I feel like a really bad hostess. You folks show up and all I have to offer are stale chips and crusty dip and your choice of a wine cooler that has been making the rounds of all of the parties since 1998 or a Zima that someone brought as a joke. Sorry guys. There is fresh guacamole and a bottle of tequila in the works.
The truth is that there has been nothing to whine about. Nothing. And, let's face it, I am at my best when I am feeling put upon or put out or downtrodden. Just not too much of that lately. Peace calm and quiet. Boring for you. Heavenly for me. But I will do my best to sum it up. A list. Because I love a list, don't you?
1. I finished up the semester. I managed to get several lovely pointy grades and only one little less than pointy grade. But I am okay with the overall performance. It was crazy and hectic but I managed.
2. My baby graduated. I managed to hold it together and not be the crazy weeping and wailing mother. I did not embarass him in front of his friends. I did throw a lovely barbeque after the ceremony. The weather did not cooperate. It was the one day that it got cold and nasty. So everyone ended up standing around in my kitchen. It was nice.
3. My Mom came for the graduation. We don't always get along all that well but this visit was lovely. We went to the Botanic Gardens and I walked her ass off. Then we went for dinner. She helped me put together the barbeque and she got to see another grandchild graduate. Only 5 more to go. She brought along her female dachshund, Sadie. Sadie got along with Maggie and Ernie like a house on fire. Except for the food thing. Maggie does not share food. And the love thing. For the first time ever I think Maggie was actually a bit jealous.
4. I went to my therapy appointment on Thursday and my therapist told me she thought that I had achieved my goals that I stated at the beginning. Unless I felt the burning need to continue, she did not see the need. I was waiting for her to explain that we could still be friends but that she needed to start seeing other people. I choose to think that she has pronounced me "well". I am not going to tempt fate with the idea that I am "sane" but we are close enough for now.
5. Without school or therapy or some crisis to occupy my time I am at a bit of a loss. A lovely, aimless loss. I go home and walk the puppies or putter around outside in the garden. The puppies are loving the extra attention and I can use the walk. I am working on training them to walk off the leash. So far, so good. My yard is bursting with flowers and growing things. Lots of weeds but lots of good stuff too.
Click on this picture to see more. Or not.
6. I have been reading. A lot. A couple of really good books that I would recommend.
a. Digging to America by Anne Tyler. I have to admit to an almost embarassing fondness for Anne Tyler. This is very good Anne Tyler.
b. The Man of My Dreams by Curtis Sittenfeld. I really liked her first book Prep and I loved this one. I liked that it was about figuring out your life and that it did not wrap it all up in a stereotypical happy ending. Oh my, I am really awful at this review writing thing.
c. Grrrl by Jen Whiteford. I got this one because I love Jen's blog. She always has something interesting to say. I really enjoyed this book. She captured the essence of what it feels like to be an outsider in high school but it is not so damned emo that you want to slit your wrists. That is not a glowing review. I am not a reviewer. I liked the book. Go read it.
d. I also read a book that I should have known better than to read. It was so bad that I am not able to bring myself to admit to having read it. It was bad in that Harlequin Romance kind of style. The writing was clunky and overwrought and had sentences that ended in ellipses. It was on par with the writing style of the very awful Angels and Demons by the most over-rated author on the planet, Dan Brown. In my defense, I thought it was a cozy mystery with a knitting theme. That would have been bearable. But this was all crazy dramatic and stuff and had a character named Maverick who was a professional gambler. Why did I not just toss it aside when I discovered what dreck it was? Because I must finish a book once I have started. No matter how bad. This is my curse.
d. I am currently reading a mystery with vampires and werewolves. Don't ask.
7. We have officially entered my favorite time of the year when it is hotter than hell. I am enjoying it greatly. We have dined outside several times and I get to enjoy the lovely view in my yard as the day ends.
8. It doesn't get a whole lot better than this.
I am busy, busy, spinning busy! It is near the end. There is light. One more test. One more class. And then I am done for a little bit. I keep looking out the back window through the rain, rain, rain and dreaming of getting out into the garden. This rain is good for the plants. My back yard is lush and green. Verdant. Ripe. But the growing plants are vying for space among the equally lush and green weeds. Need to weed! Now.
I turned in my final photography project and got a nice grade. Sort of a pointy tall emphatic grade. Made me happy. The project came together a lot better than I had hoped. I actually managed to impress myself. No small feat.
In the meantime my life continues to be full of surprises both good and bad. News and change and all of the hard and good things all wrapped up together. Recently I received some rather unhappy news about the health of one of my family members. Not good. And as much as I try to remain calm in the face of this bad news I was really thrown for a loop. I am not ready to deal with death again so soon. I am not ready for this. And so I was sad and angry and I cried more than a few tears. I kept thinking that this was unfair. Unfair for them and unfair for me. Too soon. Too much. And I wept and wailed and moaned. Tried to figure out when there will be a time of peace and calm and health. Quiet time. Because I have figured out that I spend a good deal of time waiting to get through the latest period of crisis and chaos hoping that there will be something worth waiting for on the other side of it. And things do settle down for a few weeks. But something always comes back up. Some calamity or crisis or unhappy occurrence. And in the midst of my crying I realized that there will always be something. There will always be a reason to be unhappy. It will coexist along with the reasons to be happy. I can't live my life waiting for some mythical period of peace and plentitude. It's like mentally holding my breath. I can only do it for so long. And so I am still sad and frightened for my loved one but I am not crushed and incapacitated by those things. Because right along with them is the joy of my every day life. All of the very good things.
I suppose that is a simple thing to realize. But it just felt huge.
There is a very good reason that I could never be a super-hero or even a semi-great-hero. It is that my weakness - the thing that would allow my enemies to confound me or lay me low - would be something way too simple to obtain. It would not be kryptonite - a semi-rare mineral found on a far away planet. It would be table salt or squeaky packing peanuts. Something that any evil genius two-year old could lay their hands on with a minimum of effort.
Of course the real reason I could never be a super hero is that I am way too forgetful. I cannot remember people's names unless I have been introduced to them a minimum of 15 times. I forget my anniversary with T every year right up until the moment he hands me a gift and I stare it in puzzlement. I cannot remember words during the course of conversation. Not complex or multi-syllabic words, just simple words like cat or rake or apple. Although, I do have a near photographic recall of truly awful song lyrics. Perhaps that could be my super power. Between my off-key singing voice and total recall of Air Supply, Journey or REO Speedwagon lyrics I could certainly render my enemies powerless.
Last night as I lay in bed trying to will myself to sleep, I suddenly realized that I had left my jump drive in the computer at school. The jump drive with all of my files for my Graphic Arts class that are due on Saturday. Yeah, that one. This is the fourth time this semester that I have misplaced this damned thing. To be fair, it has not been the same jump drive misplaced four times. I misplaced the first one and went out and bought another. Then I got the first back. So now I have two of the little suckers to lose. I am, once again, brought low by technology. Because, this one, you see, is not simply a result of my horrible memory but also the small and easily overlooked nature of the jump drive itself. It is no bigger than my index finger. It is jammed into the back of the damned computer where I can easily forget about it.
I love the technology. And you all know how dependent I am upon the technology. I love the cunning little gadgets. The smaller the better. When they make the IPod that holds 200 gigabytes and fits in a dental implant I will be first in line. But this damned jump drive thing is way too easy to forget. I am currently researching the possibility of having it surgically implanted in place of one of my fingers. I have ten of those and I never lose them. I could certainly give up a pinky for a jump drive implant.
This morning I woke up and the very first thing that went through my mind was my schedule and all of the deadlines and a list of the items I needed to make sure I put in my car when I left the house.
Then I got out of bed and went out into the backyard in my pyjamas and bare feet. Damp, dewy grass and a shocking display of green. I wandered around for a few minutes looking at all of the lovely new plants and new growth and the yellow irises that have bloomed in the back garden and the lily of the valley that is just beginning the bloom in the side garden. And I did not want to leave.
But I made a bargain with myself. When the next two weeks have passed. When all of the insane, crazy-making scheduling is behind me. I will take a couple of days and spend them sitting in the backyard with a cool glass of iced tea and a book.
It's these little negotiations that keep me going.
Today at work I received an invoice for an overnight parcel that I sent recently. It was addressed to "epzabelg hoopov". If you took a lot of drugs and had been awake for about a week and a half and had recently sustained some sort of head injury this might be one interpretation of my name. In some Eastern European country. Note to self: possible alias for future career chasing moose and squirrel.
Last week on Friday I was in full rage-on mode. Hulk-smash, fire-good mode. I had a stabby headache all day in spite of copious amounts of sinus and allergy medication. It was a crazy awful day and I hate when I am in that place. My mind, however, seeks to placate the beast. I had a Ludacris song stuck in my head all day. The one with all of the licking and other unsanitary activities. I only know a bit of the lyric. Mostly because the cooks at the restaurant were rather fond of the song. But that little bit was looping in my mind's soundtrack all afternoon and it kept expanding until I was aware that I know more of the lyrics than I realized. And I figured out that I could substitute parts of Green Eggs and Ham for the rest.
I am a grown up. For the most part. A responsible contributing member of society. But I am always way too self-congratulatory when I manage to accomplish some simple task that other grown up contributing members of society do without a thought. For instance I think I should get a little note from the Governor when I actually manage to remember to register my car before cop pulls me over to inform me about my expired plates. Or at least a hot fudge sundae.
Because of the no good very bad day on Friday and because I have my final project due for Photography class, I went to the Botanic Gardens on Saturday and walked until I was ready to drop. I also took 250 pictures. And you must know what that means by now:
Click on the photo to see more. (there are not 250 pictures in the set, I promise)
It's that time again. For anyone not fascinated with my knitting habits, you may avert your eyes now.
1.What is/are your favorite yarn/s to knit with? What fibers do you absolutely *not* like? I love sock yarn, Socks That Rock, Schaeffer, Fiber Artists, Mountain Colors. I love Lorna's Laces. I love basic worsted weight wool that I can use for felting. I am not a big fan of the novelty yarns or acrylic.
2. What do you use to store your needles/hooks in? I have a basket that has a lot of knitting stuff crammed into it (needles, yarn, etc) I have a small roll for my DPN's.
3. How long have you been knitting? Would you consider your skill level to be beginner, intermediate or advanced? I picked it back up last year. I am intermediate but I have grand plans and determination.
4. Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list? Yes, I do click here for Amazon
5. What's your favorite scent? (for candles, bath products etc.)I like single florals like lavender or peony or I like herb scents like rosemary or sage or citrusy/lemony things.
6. Do you have a sweet tooth? Favorite candy? Candy is my friend. I love chocolate and sweet tarts and gummy sour worms
7. What other crafts or Do-It-Yourself things do you like to do? Do you spin? I do not spin although I would love to learn. I am kind of afraid to take on another hobby. I sew, make silver jewelry, paint, needlepoint, garden and take lots of photographs. I am currently getting an art degree with a photography focus (unintentional pun)
8. What kind of music do you like? Can your computer/stereo play MP3s? (if your buddy wants to make you a CD) I like everything. I also hate everything. I am a fussy, fussy music person with definite tastes. I do not like most pop music.
9. What's your favorite color? Or--do you have a color family/season/palette you prefer? Any colors you just can't stand? I love greens, purples and blues. I am fixated on oranges and browns lately.
10. What is your family situation? Do you have any pets? I live with my boyfriend and my son (who will soon be going off to college) we have 2 dogs and 4 cats.
11. Do you wear scarves, hats, mittens or ponchos?Scarves and mittens. No ponchos and the occasional hat.
12. What is/are your favorite item/s to knit? I am obsessed with socks. I am currently working on a huge felted bag. I am getting ready to move on to a sweater.
13. What are you knitting right now?I have two pairs of socks and the aforementioned felted bag on the needles right now.
14. Do you like to receive handmade gifts? I love handmade gifts,
15. Do you prefer straight or circular needles? Bamboo, aluminum, plastic? I like straight needles. My very favorite are the rosewood but I also love Brittany birch or Clover bamboo.
16. Do you own a yarn winder and/or swift?no, and I covet one of each.
17. How did you learn to knit? At an afterschool program in the third grade.
18. How old is your oldest UFO? About a month or so. School has been taking a precedent of late. Over soon.
19. What is your favorite holiday? Easter or Halloween.
20. Is there anything that you collect? I collect Day of the Dead figures and art. Other than that it's mostly just the collection of dust bunnies.
21. Any books, yarns, needles or patterns out there you are dying to get your hands on? What knitting magazine subscriptions do you have? Interweave Knits is my only subscription.
22. Are there any new techniques you'd like to learn? I am getting ready to learn cables.
23. Are you a sock knitter? What are your foot measurements? I love socks. I am a size 7 shoe and I have pretty standard width feet.
24. When is your birthday? (mm/dd) 12/12
When we moved into our house it was Fall and so most all of the plants were dead or dying. One of the delights of the following Spring was discovering new plants as they appeared. One of my favorites has to be the May Apples:
They come up with lots of leaves and kind of blend in with the Hostas but in the early Spring these lovely little flowers bloom under the cover of the foliage. They only last a couple of day or a week but they are a nice surprise. They are followed by the actual May Apples. I have heard that you can make jam out of them but I have not moved quite that far down the Martha Stewart path quite yet.
Quick. Look away from the crazy lady. Here are some pretty things:
Violets growing on the massive weed pile behind the garage.
The neglected lilac that I have nursed back to blooming.
Snowdrop Anemone is one of the early bloomers and one of the prettiest.
My tulips are lovely this year if I do say so.
That is all.
So, I have to be honest - because that's what I do here - I am in the middle of a weird place right now. I am crammed busy full throttle with obligations and commitments. I am also beginning some work with my new therapist that is exhausting. It is interesting and scary and oh so very tiring.
I have never been a big fan of the self-help genre of literature. I have never wanted to read any of the pseudo psycho-babble. I never felt the need to take my inner child out for a tea party or chicken soup my soul back to health. Not that I don't think that somewhere some person gets some sort of benefit from this sort of writing. It just isn't for me. I have always held that it is possible to get over or beyond most of the awful or unfortunate things that happen in my life. This is my working theory for how to deal. But I have to admit that I may have reached the limitations of my theory. It has begun to fail me of late and so I find myself sitting, once again, on a couch in an office with a large box of kleenex nearby. And, whoo boy, the weeping. But it feels good. It feels like progress. It feels like I may be starting to add to my theory of how to deal. It feels like some awful, ugly things are beginning to break loose. Maybe I can be rid of them for once and all.
